What a morning I had.

I woke up feeling like I had a squirrel trapped in my stomach, you know the kind I mean, long bushy tail and razor sharp claws.. that kind of squirrel.

And I knew I needed to try and persuade him to come out in one direction or the other before he took up permanent residence in my gallbladder.

So I’m sprinting to the bathroom, trying to decide which way to angle myself for the best evacuation technique, when a bird flies over my head. A real fucking bird, you know the kind I mean.. wings, feathers...... that kind of bird.

So I dive into the bathroom and shut the door and basically shriek at the top of my lungs for #4 to do something...... “There’s a fucking bird in the house.... do something quick.”

So now I have the squirrel making laps in my stomach and the bird flying all willy nilly into the walls.... and then everything gets quiet and I peek my head out and I don’t see the bird and I don’t see 4....... hummmmm.

And I come creeping out and see the bed room door is closed so now I am thinking...... Well, Fuck. 4 is hiding in the bedroom, while I’m hiding in the bathroom... and Arnold, the winged wonder is watching TV.

Jeepers.

That’s when I see 4 come out of the kitchen with a broom in his hand. A BROOM... what’s he going to do with that... sweep up feathers..... is the bird dead already?

I never heard a struggle.. a tweet, nothing....

And he heads for the windows and proceeds to beat the shit out of the bird, whose trapped behind my $3000.00 new wood Venetian blinds. GRRRRRRRR

So, holding up my pants with one hand, and a bath towel in the other... I rush the bird and fling the towel over the top of him, thus rendering him unconscious, or something like unconscious.

I manage to pick him up, dropping my P.J bottoms around my ankles in the process and carry him out onto the balcony, where I released him to fall 23 floors down to the concrete driveway below. Can anyone say “Thud.”

With that, I look up and some child is standing across from me in one of the SAX Hotel rooms and is pointing at me with a look of horror on her face.

I am quite certain she could not have known it was a bird I just pitched over the balcony, so I must assume it was the site of me..... standing in my underpants.... and my hair shooting out at all odd angles... screaming “Die Mother Fucker, Die”

Now top that for a shitty start to a morning, I dare ya.